Obama expected to tell Congress to “stop being…pussies”

Washington, D.C.—President Obama will give a major speech to a joint session of Congress tomorrow night on healthcare in which he will likely tell the 535 assembled members to grow a pair and pass a bill.

            In prepared marks that are circulating on Capitol Hill, Obama will say that the Senate Finance Committee is “seriously harshing [his] mellow” by failing to finalize legislation.  “I know you bros have my back on this, but seriously: it’s time to crap or get off the crapper,” the draft says.

              Obama will attempt to bolster support in his party by calling on conservative Democrats to “stop being such mega-pussies.  I mean, my eight-year-old daughter could have passed a bill by now and she doesn’t even know what an HMO is.”

            The Republican response has been measured, but key lawmakers say they will listen skeptically to Obama’s address.  “I hope the president will recognize Republicans for their efforts to repeatedly cockblock his plans,” Sen. Charles Grassely (Iowa) said.  “It hasn’t just been a handful of Democrats that have been crushing his boner.  The GOP has been working the whole time on this, too.”

            Rep. Michele Bachmann (R-Minn.) said on Fox News that she hopes that Obama realizes that Congress cannot be expected to act quickly on healthcare reform. “Normally, it takes us months, if not years to fail at passing legislation.  For him to come in all of a sudden and say, ‘Okay, it’s time to stop sucking ass now,’ is just naïve thinking.”  She added that Congress should be given at least until next year to suck at passing a healthcare bill, rather than suck at passing one this year.

            Still, Obama appears hopeful about his chief domestic priority.  “I expect you to get back to work tomorrow and stop holdin’ your D on this bill.  As Teddy Kennedy would have said, ‘Shit gets real—really real—right now, son.’”

Republican Healthcare Speech Template

           Madam Speaker, I rise in opposition to HR 3200, the so-called healthcare reform bill.

            It is clear that this bill will ( raise taxes / kill jobs / kill puppies ).  This bill, which the Democrat majority hopes will move us toward ( socialism / fascism / homosexualism ), is just an effort to make the government take over ( your health / your house / your dreams ).  The Democratic agenda has failed us thus far.  When we look at the record stimulus passed earlier this year, I ask you, ( Where are the jobs? / Where is the money? / Where is the beef? )

            What my colleagues on the other side of the aisle need to understand is that Republicans represent ( small businesses / middle-class families / the insurance conglomerates that finance our campaigns ).  They say that we have no solution. Our party does have a solution: ( cut taxes / cut taxes and increase spending / cut taxes, increase spending, and blame any problems on the Clinton administration ).

            This health care bill will do one thing only, and that is to enlarge our country’s ( debt / bureaucracy / prostate ).  Democrats say that universal healthcare will cost one trillion dollars.  One trillion!  That is enough to buy ( three F-22s / one unnecessary war in the Middle East / every single member of Congress and their staffs ).

            My constituents don’t want a government takeover of healthcare.  They don’t want us to turn into ( Canada / Europe / Nazi Germany, circa 1939 ).  But that’s right around the corner, folks.  I urge my colleagues to vote against this bill, because it is ( too much, too soon / too little, too late / too big to fail ).

GOP asks about Sotomayor’s positions on “unborn”, “undead”

 

Washington, D.C.—Even though Republicans have pledged to give President Obama’s Supreme Court nominee a fair and impartial hearing to discuss her legal opinions and controversial remarks regarding race and gender, a group of senators is also seeking assurances that Sonia Sotomayor will protect both the rights of the “unborn” and of the “undead.”

            Appearing on The Sean Hannity Show, Sen. Jeff Sessions (R-Ala.) of the Judiciary Committee aired his concerns about Sotomayor.  “Sean, I think it’s important that we ascertain this woman’s views on how to protect the unborn.  But even more importantly, I want to know how she plans to protect the undead.”  He added, “Of course, I’m referring to those creatures haunting the dreams of children, feasting on the souls of humans, etc.”

            White House press secretary Robert Gibbs declined to answer for Obama, saying “We have no idea whether or not she is pro-zombie, and frankly the president did not make an issue of it when he met with her.”

            Duane P. Frankenstein, vice-president of the Brotherhood of Otherworldly Occupants, said he was “encouraged” by Sotomayor’s open-mindedness to the issue.  “I and everyone else at BOO would love to sit down and chat with her over a cup of B-negative about the general public’s intolerance for our lifestyle,” he said.  Most people are too busy wielding pitchforks and torches, he said, “to realize that we have feelings too.  Well, some of us…I’m not entirely sure about the poltergeists.”

            Sotomayor has only ruled on one creatures-of-the-dark-related case during her tenure as a judge on the Second Circuit Court of Appeals.  In Dracula v. Fort Greene Municipal District (2004), she upheld a lower court’s ruling that local governments do not have to grant petitions to remove street lights in ethnically-vampire neighborhoods.  “While the Court is understanding of the adverse affect that light has on the plaintiff’s skin, it is more proper to adhere to established precedent insofar as the aim of government is to provide for the common welfare—of which the act of erecting streetlights is included,” she wrote.  “Besides, can the plaintiff just wear a hat or something when he goes outside?”

            Sen. Kay Bailey Hutchison (R), whose home state of Texas has large werewolf, mummy, ghost, spectre, and ghoul segments of the population, wanted assurances from the White House that Sotomayor would respect their rights.  “Brains…I need brains…” she said.

New strain of flu strikes Northeast

            Augusta, Maine—Just days after swine flu pandemic fears had been calmed, health officials are scrambling to contain and explain a new sickness that is spreading with unprecedented velocity through state capitals.  Democrats and moderate Republicans have been the most readily afflicted with what experts believe to be a strain of the flu virus that is spread by close contact between proponents of same-sex marriage.

            “This seems like a localized outbreak, confined to the Northeast, the Pacific coast, and a few major metropolitan centers,” said Duane Teller, an epidemiologist working for Focus on the Family’s medical research division.  “Until we can ascertain its source, we hope to prevent its spread.  We’re telling people to please keep your lawmakers out of doors, away from their desks.”

            The flu, H6N9, or homo flu, first came under the radar of political scientists in Massachusetts more than four years ago, but in the past month it has spread at an alarming pace to four state capitals in the Northeast, one in the Midwest, and even to the nation’s capital.  Officials are carefully monitoring the governors’ mansions of New York, New Jersey, and New Hampshire in case a quarantine becomes necessary.

            Augusta is ground zero for the latest outbreak, in which 21 senators succumbed yesterday during routine votes in the statehouse.  There is no physical commonality that may have disposed them to catching the homo flu, but doctors are not ruling out the possibly that respect for civil rights, empathy for gays, and liberal political philosophy may have weakened their immune systems.

            “Let’s face it, these people were already mentally sick,” said Teller.  “If you’re a normal, God-fearing, red-blooded American, you have absolutely zero chance” of catching homo flu.  He cautioned not to panic, but that anyone who was worried about transmission should avoid college campuses, the Ellen DeGeneres show, and blogs.

            Secretary of Homeland Security Janet Napolitano ruled out the possibility of implementing travel bans to the Northeast, saying, “This is not something you can catch just by being on an airplane or a train or a restaurant.  Going up to lawmakers and shaking their hands will not give you the virus.”  She added that avoiding gay pride parades might make people feel better, but there is no practical effect on transmissibility.

           Meanwhile, Vice President Joseph R. Biden, who was criticized for encouraging people not to travel to avoid swine flu, appeared to have learned from his mistake.  “Look, I’m telling people, you won’t get sick if you go to a gay bar.  Heck, I go to gay bars all the time.  And I bring my family.  In fact, I’ll go there right now, just to prove you can’t get sick,” he said on MSNBC.

Smooth Senate sailing expected for First Dog

Washington, D.C.—President Obama’s nomination of a Portuguese Water Dog to the post of White House Chief Pet and Animal Relations Liaison has won wide acclaim throughout Congress which should result in a smooth confirmation process.  The dog, Bo, was introduced by Obama on Tuesday and is one of the last high-profile nominees to be named in the administration.  He is described as “energetic” and “a really cute puppy” by supporters.

            The dog, also known as a Portie, will be responsible for a number of outreach programs in the White House.  He will work to improve the White House experiences of the president’s daughters, Malia and Sasha, as well as of visitors, dignitaries, staff, and the president himself.  “He will be entrusted with our stick-retrieval and squeaky-toy procurement policy,” said Obama advisor David Axlerod.  “He was a chosen as much for his proven ability to put smiles on faces as well as” an absence of partisan leanings or propensity to cause allergies.

            Bo was recommended to Obama by Sen. Edward M. Kennedy (D-Mass.), chairman of the Health, Education, Labor, and Pensions Committee, before whom the dog must appear before confirmation by the full Senate.  However, there does not seem to appear to be a conflict of interest, since Bo has the professed approval of almost all committee members.

            “I must say, he is adorable,” said Sen. Lisa Murkowski (R-AK).  “I have seen him sit on command and roll over—all very important qualities” for a first pet.  Aides said that Murkowski was initially worried that Bo’s relative youth and inexperience would lead to a tendency to soil the carpets and bark at all hours of the night.  But in a private meeting on Tuesday afternoon, Bo proved himself to be “very well trained” in the mannerisms expected of someone in his position.

            Sen. Christopher Dodd (D-Conn.), the chairman of the Subcommittee on Children and Families, said that he hopes Bo will set a good example for pets all over the country by “demonstrating how families can become more cohesive by sharing the common experience of caring for, playing with, and loving” their dogs.

            However, one Republican offered tentative criticism of Obama’s pick.  “As an owner of three gray and brown tabby cats, I am disappointed that the President did not take more seriously the suggestion that he might choose a Feline-American for this position,” said Sen. Lamar Alexander (Tenn.).  There has not been a cat appointed to be first pet since Socks Clinton (1993-2001).  Alexander added, though, that in the absence of any tax problems or “chronic butt sniffing”, Bo would have his vote in committee.

            Bo’s confirmation hearing is scheduled for sometime in May.  In the meantime, he has kept a low profile, preparing for questioning with the Obama sisters and with White House staffers.  One minor incident did occur during his introduction to the White House Press Corps.  When asked about his views towards universal neutering, Bo expelled a noticeable amount of gas that left some reporters rushing to open windows.

            “It’s no big deal,” laughed Tonya Graham from the Associated Press.  “[Former Defense Secretary Donald] Rumsfeld used to do that to us all the time.”