McDonnell wins Virginia; blogger calls on Republican to release birth certificate

Governor-elect Bob McDonnell (R-Va.) is facing calls to verify the location and circumstances of his birth.

Charlottesville, VA—Less than four hours after Republican Robert F. McDonnell won the governorship of Virginia by a wide margin over his opponent, Democratic state senator R. Creigh Deeds, he faces calls from some prominent Democratic activists to provide proof of his citizenship.

            “I’m not saying that he’s not a citizen,” said Michael Karlik of The 28th Amendment, a liberal-leaning blog.  “I’m just saying that the allegations are out there—and the burden of proof should be on him” to disprove the rumors.  Karlik is calling on the governor-elect to produce his certificate of birth to show his qualifications to hold Virginia’s highest office.

            Although McDonnell, who was born in Philadelphia to American citizens, has held elected office for nearly two decades, this is the first time any concerns over his birth are receiving scrutiny.  The Virginia constitution requires governors to be citizens of the United States. 

            The outcry echoes the movement by some conservatives after the 2008 election in which President Obama, who was born in Hawaii, was accused of being Kenyan by birth and thus not eligible to hold the presidency.  Neither the McDonnell nor Deeds campaign had any immediate comment on this issue.

            Still, Karlik is not giving up.  “I think it’s completely rational to assume that Bob McDonnell is not a citizen of this country until it is proven otherwise.  As the former attorney general, he should know that one is presumed guilty of a charge until able to provide proof of his innocence.”  Karlik added, “I mean, McDonnell?  What kind of name is that?  Sounds Congolese to me.”

Kanye puts damper on Obama’s Nobel acceptance

         Washington, D.C.—A hastily-arranged press conference at the White House in which President Obama accepted his award of the Nobel Peace Prize took an unexpected turn when rapper Kanye West briefly interrupted the president in an unprecedented breach of decorum.

         Two minutes into the speech, as Obama said that he “will accept this award as a call to action—a call for all nations to support the common challenges of the twenty-first…”, West stepped up to the podium, apparently overcome by shock upon hearing the news.

         “Yo, Mr. President! I’m happy for you and I’ma let you finish,” West told an unblinking Obama, “but [Turkish Prime Minister Recep Tayyip] Erdoğan held the best multilateral economic and regional defense-coordination talks of all time.”  West added, “Of all time,” before being escorted from the microphone by the Secret Service.

         Erdoğan reacted with surprise to West’s interruption.  “Honestly, I think that President Barack Obama deserved the award.  I’m quite upset at what Kanye did.  I mean, I’m not even a fan of his.  What is a “gold digger”?  Can anyone explain this to me?”

         White House press secretary Robert Gibbs was nonchalant about the incident.  “This is nothing new for the president.  He’s played tennis with Serena Williams—he knows how to deal with douchebags.”

Obama expected to tell Congress to “stop being…pussies”

Washington, D.C.—President Obama will give a major speech to a joint session of Congress tomorrow night on healthcare in which he will likely tell the 535 assembled members to grow a pair and pass a bill.

            In prepared marks that are circulating on Capitol Hill, Obama will say that the Senate Finance Committee is “seriously harshing [his] mellow” by failing to finalize legislation.  “I know you bros have my back on this, but seriously: it’s time to crap or get off the crapper,” the draft says.

              Obama will attempt to bolster support in his party by calling on conservative Democrats to “stop being such mega-pussies.  I mean, my eight-year-old daughter could have passed a bill by now and she doesn’t even know what an HMO is.”

            The Republican response has been measured, but key lawmakers say they will listen skeptically to Obama’s address.  “I hope the president will recognize Republicans for their efforts to repeatedly cockblock his plans,” Sen. Charles Grassely (Iowa) said.  “It hasn’t just been a handful of Democrats that have been crushing his boner.  The GOP has been working the whole time on this, too.”

            Rep. Michele Bachmann (R-Minn.) said on Fox News that she hopes that Obama realizes that Congress cannot be expected to act quickly on healthcare reform. “Normally, it takes us months, if not years to fail at passing legislation.  For him to come in all of a sudden and say, ‘Okay, it’s time to stop sucking ass now,’ is just naïve thinking.”  She added that Congress should be given at least until next year to suck at passing a healthcare bill, rather than suck at passing one this year.

            Still, Obama appears hopeful about his chief domestic priority.  “I expect you to get back to work tomorrow and stop holdin’ your D on this bill.  As Teddy Kennedy would have said, ‘Shit gets real—really real—right now, son.’”

Children’s book author Ted Kennedy, dead at 77

Kennedy, a federal government employee, published his well-received children's book in 2006.

            Noted children’s book author Edward M. “Ted” Kennedy died on Tuesday night at the age of 77.  Kennedy, who worked in the District of Columbia, was best known for his 2006 book My Senator and Me: A Dog’s-Eye View of Washington, D.C.  The story is narrated by a Portuguese water dog named Splash, who takes the reader on a journey through the city and explores the functions of the federal government.

            The 56-page fiction book, published by Scholastic Press, cemented Kennedy’s reputation as one of the most-admired contemporary children’s writers.  In a press release, Scholastic praised how Kennedy “rose from relative obscurity to pen a unique and touching story that is also an educational lesson” for young Americans.

            Kennedy’s writing style was both humorous and earnest, with the main character telling readers that, “If you want a friend in Washington, get a dog.”  Kennedy’s collaborator, Caldecott Medal-winning illustrator David Small, said that “If he is only known for one accomplishment, I’m glad that it is this.”

            While best recognized for My Senator and Me, Kennedy lived quietly, working for the federal government for many years.

Republican Healthcare Speech Template

           Madam Speaker, I rise in opposition to HR 3200, the so-called healthcare reform bill.

            It is clear that this bill will ( raise taxes / kill jobs / kill puppies ).  This bill, which the Democrat majority hopes will move us toward ( socialism / fascism / homosexualism ), is just an effort to make the government take over ( your health / your house / your dreams ).  The Democratic agenda has failed us thus far.  When we look at the record stimulus passed earlier this year, I ask you, ( Where are the jobs? / Where is the money? / Where is the beef? )

            What my colleagues on the other side of the aisle need to understand is that Republicans represent ( small businesses / middle-class families / the insurance conglomerates that finance our campaigns ).  They say that we have no solution. Our party does have a solution: ( cut taxes / cut taxes and increase spending / cut taxes, increase spending, and blame any problems on the Clinton administration ).

            This health care bill will do one thing only, and that is to enlarge our country’s ( debt / bureaucracy / prostate ).  Democrats say that universal healthcare will cost one trillion dollars.  One trillion!  That is enough to buy ( three F-22s / one unnecessary war in the Middle East / every single member of Congress and their staffs ).

            My constituents don’t want a government takeover of healthcare.  They don’t want us to turn into ( Canada / Europe / Nazi Germany, circa 1939 ).  But that’s right around the corner, folks.  I urge my colleagues to vote against this bill, because it is ( too much, too soon / too little, too late / too big to fail ).